


Through the Ghost

by warbreaker



Category: Final Fantasy XIII Series, Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII
Genre: Angst, Drug Abuse, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2014-04-12
Packaged: 2018-01-19 02:10:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1451548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warbreaker/pseuds/warbreaker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lumina might give Snow a lot of shit, but the part of her that is Serah can’t stand to see him at his lowest. Or highest, as the case might be. Set ten years before the beginning of Lightning Returns.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through the Ghost

**Author's Note:**

> Title and fic inspired by the song "Through the Ghost" by Shinedown.

“What’s _wrong_ with you?”

Snow’s mind was slow to register the question and even slower to react. It sounded like Lumina was talking to him through a tin can from another room. He flopped over onto his stomach. His bed sheets tangled around his waist uncomfortably with the sudden shift in position, but in his altered state of mind, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

As a matter of fact, he couldn’t bring himself to care about much of anything. On a normal day, he probably would’ve been frustrated at her presence and annoyed at the way she phrased the question. For now, his brain felt too detached to the rest of his body, and it almost felt like everything that was happening in that moment was happening to someone else. He could barely even feel his own limbs, though the dull ache of the Chaos that ate as his body always remained.

“Nice to see you too,” he murmured into his pillow.

“You’ve been lying in this bed for three days,” she said. “Are you sick, or just lazy?”

Lumina put her hands on her hips and stared down at him with condescension. Snow tried his best to look up at her, but every time he shifted his perspective, the world spun and made him feel dizzy. His ability to concentrate was foggy and fleeting at best, like a goldfish swimming to the surface and bobbing away after breaking through the water.

“What’s wrong with your eyes?” she asked, cocking her head as she studied his face. “They’re all glassy and unfocused.”

“You know,” he said, the words spilling from his lips before his brain could get a good handle on them, “I know that _you’re_ a little demon child who lives in the Chaos, but us normal humans can only take so much of it before it starts ripping us open from the inside out. Well, maybe not normal humans. L’Cie humans. Well. Just l’Cie. You know what I meant.”

She crossed her arms over her chest.

“Oh please, Snow,” she said. “Chaos isn’t doing this to you. It doesn’t work like that.”

He rolled over onto his back again and stared up at the ceiling. There wasn’t anything particularly interesting up there. It was just the ceiling, but it sure was easy to look at. For him, that was a blessing.

“No,” he admitted, “but painkillers do.”

For once, it seemed like she didn’t have any kind of line or quip for him. In fact, she seemed to be at a loss for words completely. He wasn’t sure what it was that she’d expected him to say, but it clearly wasn’t that. Snow just continued to stare at the ceiling, letting time tick by. Though, he had no real grasp of it. Maybe it was seconds passing. Maybe it was hours. Maybe he’d spaced out completely and Lumina wasn’t even there anymore. It didn’t really matter.

“Just how high _are_ you?” Lumina asked finally.

“I don’t know,” he said. He furrowed his brow as he thought. The more he thought about the question, the less it made sense, and the more frustrating it became. How was he supposed to gauge his response to that? “What day is it?”

She groaned in frustration and slammed her hands down beside him on the mattress.

“ _Wednesday_ ,” she said.

It didn’t add up in his head.

“What?” he asked. “No it’s not.”

“Yes it is,” she insisted. “What does this even have to do with anything?”

“It’s Wednesday?”

“ _Yes_.”

“I really have been layin’ here for three days,” he said thoughtfully. He moved his hands to rest on his bare chest; he was nude beneath the sheets that covered him from the waist down. The sensation of touching his own skin felt strange and alien against his palms. “I guess that answers your question.”

“How does that—“ she started, but the rest of the sentence was swallowed up by another angry groan. She threw her hands up in annoyance. “How do you just _lose_ three days like that?”

“Pain flares up, take more pills,” he said simply. “I guess that last infusion was pretty bad.”

“You _guess_ it was bad?” she asked. “So you just shove pills in your face? Real responsible, Snow. Couldn’t you die if you took too many of these things?”

“Yeah, hopefully,” he said. The word didn’t sound right as it left his mouth, but it _felt_ right to say. He could sense Lumina’s disapproval, even though he couldn't see the expression on her face. For some reason, it made him feel guilty. “I didn’t mean that.”

She didn’t say anything, and her silence only made him feel worse. The emotion itself was muted and suppressed, but he still felt it all the same. He rolled his head to the side to look at her. Though it looked like she was trying to be angry at him, he could see the worry etched in her face. Serah used to give him the same look when she found out he hadn’t slept enough or had put himself in a stupidly dangerous situation trying to keep the monsters out of New Bodhum.

“You look like Serah,” he told her.

“ _Duh_ ,” she said, giving him a look like he’d just told her the sky was blue. “Welcome to like three years ago when we first met.”

“I miss her.”

It felt like a stupid thing to say, but Snow couldn’t help himself. As far removed as he felt from the rest of the world, his grief still felt sharp and crystal clear. Forgetting his sadness took a special kind of drug that wasn’t found in his pills.

Lumina sighed, and in the next second she was gone. He didn't even see her go.

“Snow, promise me you won’t hurt yourself.”

It was Serah’s voice. Snow dismissed it as just a hallucination. It wasn’t the first time he thought he heard or saw her when he was high. It wouldn’t be the last.

Though, this time it sounded so much more real than the others.

“Snow. Look at me.”

He didn't want to. Even under the influence, he felt like he had to have some control over himself. Some grasp of reality.

Though still...

If he looked, he'd know for sure that it was only in his head. He rolled his head against the pillow, turning his attention to where he thought the sound was coming from.

Serah was there.

She stood at his bedside with a concerned expression on her face. Wisps of Chaos danced around her, just barely dark enough to see. Whenever Snow looked at her for too long without blinking, it was almost like he could see through her; like she wasn’t really there at all; like she was only just a ghost. 

“I’m dreaming,” he said aloud.

“Even if you were,” she said, “would you promise me?”

Snow’s chest felt tight. His hallucinations weren’t supposed to be self-aware. They weren't supposed to tell him outright that they weren't really there with him. That wasn’t fair. Not even his subconscious wanted to lie to him anymore to try to make him feel better. In a way, it almost felt like this one was even taunting him. How could she ask that of him? Hadn't she been paying attention since the beginning of their damn relationship?

“No, Serah,” he said sadly. “I can’t keep my promises to you, and I won’t break another one. Don’t ask me to.”

“Don’t give up,” she pleaded. Guilt and remorse were clear on her face. “Please don’t give up. We’ve come too far to quit now. Your words, remember? Just hold on a little longer. I know you can. I love you.”

“What am I supposed to do?” he asked.

Tears stung at the back of his eyes, and he could feel himself growing desperate for her actual presence. _She loved him_. How long had it been since he heard those words? He sat up and reached for her.

“Serah, what am I—“

She was gone.

Snow’s chest shuddered when he breathed out, and tears rolled down his cheeks when he blinked his eyes. They were few and fleeting, but they happened all the same. He rubbed at his eyes and took deep, steadying breaths. His joints still ached, and his shoulders in particular felt like they were on fire. He could probably stand to pop another pill or two, but maybe it was time to let himself come down, at least for a little while.

“Well, now that you’re halfway up, you might as well put some pants on.”

Lumina’s voice again. It came from behind him, at the other side of his bed.

“But at least wait until I leave,” she went on. “I don’t really want to see that. And take a shower while you’re at it.”

He shifted in his seat to look at her. His brain still felt cloudy and muddied, and he had a hard time gaining control of and feeling sensation in all four of his limbs at the same time. He gave her a blank stare.

“You should be embarrassed of yourself,” she sniffed. “ _I’m_ supposed to be the kid here, and _you’re_ supposed to be the grown-up. But I guess _someone_ has to take care of you, and you obviously can’t do it yourself.”

“I didn’t know you cared,” he said.

She sighed at him dramatically and gave him a pointed look.

“You’re hopeless,” she said. “Honestly, I don’t know what Serah sees in you.”

In the next second, she was gone. Snow stared at the empty spot where she’d stood, feeling numb.

He pushed the sheets away from his lap and swung his legs over the side of the bed, but he didn’t stand right away. His legs didn’t feel strong enough, and he wasn’t confident enough in his balance. He felt pathetic. Lonely. But he was still alive, and that was all he could ask of himself for now.

“Yeah,” he said belatedly, as though Lumina was still around to hear him. “Me neither.”

**Author's Note:**

> So basically I just wanted an excuse to write high!Snow in a way that didn’t involve him doing lines off of a stripper’s ass or something. (though I’ll probably end up writing something like that eventually anyway because I am a hideous excuse for a human being.) And I also wanted to write secretly compassionate!Lumina and also ghost!Serah ghosting through her. First fic on AO3, so I hope you guys enjoyed it. Constructive criticism would be lovely. Thanks for reading!!


End file.
